The Lies of Our Childhood

Michelle Santos Boy, do I really miss watching cartoons everyday. I know most of us have grown up watching cartoons. Flipping through stations like Cartoon Network, Disney Channel, Nickelodeon, or PBS Kids never grew old, and surely I’d still be doing that if I had the time. Well, I found the time. I recently spent a few hours watching some old cartoons that I haven’t seen in awhile. Why, you might ask? Well, the truth is that I’m not doing it because I missed them; I’m doing it because I recently heard about cartoon conspiracy theories. Sounds sketchy, I know. Warning: STOP reading if you want to keep your happy memories of your favorite cartoons OR keep reading anyways and get ready to have your mind blown.

Ok, so remember that show on Cartoon Network called Ed, Edd n Eddy? The show was about three kids that lived in a cul-de-sac. They had similar sounding names but very different personalities. Eddy was the unofficial leader of the group. He always came up with schemes to make money (to buy Jaw Breakers) that usually ended in failure. Some of the other characters included Jonny,  Jonny’s imaginary friend Plank (a wood board), Jimmy, who was always the weakest character in the series and always spent time with Ed’s younger sister, Sarah, the short-tempered, spoiled little girl. There was Rolf, an immigrant who had strange customs, Kevin, the stereotypical jock, Nazz, the unattainable girl, and of course, the Kanker sisters who were in love with the three Eds but antagonized them at the same time.

Well hate to break it to you all, but these kids are all dead. Have you ever wondered why you never see adults in all the episodes? Even when the kids are in class, there are never any adults anywhere. The closest figure to an adult in the show is Eddy’s older brother, who is a real jerk to everyone. Many theorize that Eddy’s brother is actually visiting him from Hell, which is feasible considering how rude and terrorizing he is to Eddy. Furthermore, all the kids in the show have weird skin and tongue colors as if resembling corpses (Ed’s tongue is blue). It is believed that all the kids died at different points in time in the cursed cul-de-sac. The cul-de-sac essentially becomes their purgatory. It makes sense that all the kids came from different time periods because one episode, they are seen using a typewriter, and in another, are using a computer. Lastly, the Kanker sisters are the only ones who are not actually dead. Many believe the Kanker sisters are actually demons placed in purgatory to antagonize everyone. Oddly enough, they are the only characters with pink tongues in the show.

The second theory I’m going to mention is about SpongeBob Squarepants, one of the most beloved TV shows of all time. The show is about a cute yellow sponge that goes on adventures with a starfish, Patrick, a squid, Squidward, a crab, Mr. Krabs, a squirrel, Sandy Cheeks, a plankton, Plankton, and of course a snail, Gary. There are a lot of theories about this one but my favorite is the nuclear radiation theory. In the late 40’s and early 50’s, the United States tested nuclear bombs in Bikini Atoll. SpongeBob and his friends all live in bikini bottom, a.k.a. the bottom of Bikini Atoll. The existence of SpongeBob and all of his friends is, therefore, a result of the radiation from the bombs. The theory also explains why Mr. Krabs has a daughter that is a whale and why a lot of the vegetation in bikini bottom has strange colors and shapes. The characters even make references to the bombs in different episodes. One example of this reference is when SpongeBob makes bubbles in the shape of bombs and they explode, making a loud sound. Lastly, this theory makes sense because the creator of this show is a former marine biologist.

There is also a theory about The Flintstones, that old cartoon that aired from 1960-1966, at the height of the Cold War. I know it’s pretty old but most people still remember watching episodes of Fred Flintstone, his wife, Wilma, his daughter, Pebbles, his best friend, Barney Rubble, Barney’s wife, Betty, and Barney’s son, Bamm-Bamm. Even if you don’t remember the cartoon, surely you remember the gummy vitamins in the shape of these guys. This story is said to take place in the B.C. era, but wait, that doesn’t make sense. Characters in this show use familiar technology like cars and Televisions. They celebrate Christmas and other holidays. Well considering this show took place during the Cold War, perhaps the show was sending a message about nuclear bombs. Maybe Bedrock (the place the characters lived) was actually our FUTURE, where Soviets and Americans had a nuclear war that sent us back into the Stone Ages. This theory makes a lot of sense the more you think about it.

It is hard to think of these shows that we watched as children as having duplicitous meaning, but there certainly could be some validity to these ideas. These things would be hard to believe, even possibly things that would alter how we look upon our childhoods, but we are all in the same boat; these shows are cartoons we all watched. All of these conspiracies regarding our “innocent” childhood cartoons make us really question the things around us. What if Latin had some conspiracies hidden and kept secret by all of the faculty and staff? It certainly has changed the way I look upon my surroundings. Of course, I’m optimistic that everything I know isn’t shrouded in conspiracy. However, it has let me see things with a questioning mind. What if Jacob Cruger secretly kicks dogs? What if Allie Kersten secretly lip sings? Just kidding! Neither of those things are true, but it has opened my eyes to world of conspiracy.
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