Anonymous There are about 630 calories in a serving of my favorite dessert, but there were many days last year when the total number of calories I consumed in a day was less than that. Looking back on it, the year my eating disorder escalated was easily the worst year of my life. I’ve struggled with a low self-esteem and bad body image since around 8 years old, and I’m sure every girl can empathize with me when I say that it’s easy to compare yourself to generally thin and shiny-haired student body at Latin, and then feel as though you don’t measure up. I never reached a weight so low that I needed to be hospitalized, but I did lose enough that people noticed. Their praise kept me going, but I realized that it would never be enough for the nagging voice in my head. I have a pretty severe case of Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD), which is when you don’t accurately perceive a physical characteristic of yours, and is common amongst eating disorder sufferers. In my case, this meant that I always saw myself as bigger than I actually am, whether I look down at myself or look in a mirror. At the height of my disorder, I was the thinnest I’d been in years, but the mirror never changed; I was still huge. There were a couple of moments when I felt smaller, but a second look in the mirror reassured me that I was right to call myself a whale, to starve myself because I didn’t deserve to eat. I became obsessive, weighing my foods out on a scale before eating them and logging them into a calorie-counting app on my phone. I avoided most foods because they were too high in calories or fat or sugar, leaving me with only a handful of things I could eat without getting a panic attack. I did hundreds of sit-ups and ran for hours even when I wanted to faint because I felt guilty when I didn’t. I thought that when I lost weight, I’d want to spend time with my friends to show off my new body, but I kept turning down meet-ups to get ice cream. I couldn’t eat in front of people because they’d think I was a pig. A few times, I accepted an invitation to hang out, but made up last-minute excuses when I found out that we were going to the beach. I couldn’t wear a swimsuit in front of people because they’d be even more repulsed by my body than I was. I was aware that my behavior was eating-disordered, and I eventually got tired of restricting and decided I wanted to get help. I was sick of lying, sick of the binges that would happen because I wasn’t eating enough. I ended up reaching out to a teacher earlier this year, who encouraged me to speak with Ms. Stevens. She, in turn, suggested that I see a therapist to help me towards a fuller recovery. I’ll admit, recovery sounds terrifying. Talking about your eating disorder is scary, sure, but the worst part was watching myself gain weight. My clothes got tighter, and a few people reminded me that I’d gotten bigger. Eating lunch in the cafeteria became hell; I was on doctor’s orders to eat more in a meal than I used to eat in a day while I was surrounded by girls who wouldn’t even finish their yogurt cups. But recovering was the best decision I ever made, because I decided to live even though I didn’t want to anymore. I’ve shared my experiences with my closest friends, and a few even confessed their own eating disorder struggles. While I feel like this has allowed us to connect on a new level, it also makes me incredibly sad that they’ve had to go through so much pain and suffering. What’s even sadder is that I’m sure we aren’t the only ones. I was glad that Rachel wrote an article on the Latin Girl Lunch, because this is definitely an issue we need to be addressing. As long as I hear people comment that they wish they had an illness that would help them lose weight, or push around three lettuce leaves on their plates, we need to talk about eating disorders. They’re real. They haunt our hallways and our minds, and they demand our attention. Eating disorders can kill you, plain and simple. Even if you make it out alive, the damage done to your insides can often be so severe that it is irreparable. And I like all of you the way that you are: breathing. If you suspect that you may have an eating disorder, if you’re male or female or both or neither, please believe me when I say that it gets better. Reach out to a friend, a teacher, or a counselor; I promise that you will not regret it. If a friend tells you that they’re struggling with an eating disorder, let them know that you’re here for them and that you want them to speak to a counselor who is better equipped to get them the help that they need. If you suspect that a friend has an eating disorder, tell them that you care about them and want them to speak to a counselor because you’re worried about their health. The beginning will feel awful, but I can’t begin to describe how much recovering is worth it. To those of you who have battled an eating disorder in the past and survived, I’m so proud of you for having the courage to fight something that is taking your life away. To those of you who are still struggling, please remember that there is life beyond your disorder, and you are a beautiful, strong person who deserves to live a happy life. You always deserve a brownie whenever you want one. That does not make you weak or any less of a human being. You deserve all of the love and all of the brownies, and I hope that you are able to reach a point in your life where you’ll trust me on that.]]>
Categories:
Letter to the Editors: Eating Disorder Confessions
March 31, 2013
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mfinch • Apr 15, 2013 at 8:55 am
Dear Anon. I meant to write a reply to Rachel’s brave article, (sorry Rachel). I am convinced both of these articles will begin the conversations that are so necessary for young women’s health and well being. Thank you both for your courage and caring.
amcglinn • Apr 9, 2013 at 3:06 pm
I just want to add my thanks to the chorus of thanks. You are inspiring and your words have had a profound effect on many.
ispear • Apr 7, 2013 at 9:54 am
Thank you for writing this article. This must have taken a lot of courage. I hope the Latin community has helped you along the way and that it will continue to do so.
epleshette • Apr 6, 2013 at 10:07 pm
I would simply like to add my thanks to the many others in this article. You are brave and others can easily be inspired by your struggle. Keep up the great work!
jlegendre • Apr 4, 2013 at 8:11 pm
Thank you.
ywilliams • Apr 4, 2013 at 11:59 am
I appreciate your candor, and humor, and applaud you for your courage. thank you very much. Take good care
pgilden • Apr 4, 2013 at 11:06 am
This is so powerful, Anonymous. Thank you. I hope more people will follow your lead so we, as a community, can combat the evils that the media, social pressure, etc. place upon us.
jwalsh • Apr 3, 2013 at 9:42 am
What an awesome article that I know many students can relate to. This takes courage to share your story. I am so glad that you are on your road to recovery and for being a sign of strength to others. Way to go!!!!!!
lhutchin • Apr 2, 2013 at 9:07 pm
It takes a lot of courage to confess all of this, Anonymous. Although you mostly hear about these type of disorders and body issues in women, I too use to deal with very similar problems on body image. This article really touched me and reminded me that I also want to help those who’ve been through the same thing because I know exactly how it feels to be in that situation. A feeling of nearly permanent “suffering” and “hell”. Thank you again, Anonymous, for posting this.
pmccarthy • Apr 2, 2013 at 3:50 pm
Good for you, Anonymous! Congratulations on taking steps to get well and for having the courage to write this article. I wish you the best of luck as you continue with your recovery and encourage you to reach out to your friends, family and school community.
ndhaliwal • Apr 2, 2013 at 10:35 am
THANK YOU. Very brave and honest.
ewarren • Apr 1, 2013 at 10:20 am
thank you so much for writing this article. i admire your willingness to share with all of us. it is so easy to keep these struggles private, but bringing it into the public helps to bring more people into the conversation. thank you. i hope it helps you in your own healing process.
i agree with mr. graf: i hope you continue to feel support here at school. please reach out again if you need anything, even if it’s just a supportive word or help with a smaller struggle.
tgraf • Apr 1, 2013 at 8:03 am
I too offer thanks and gratitude for your courage to speak up. In my six years at the school, I agree that this is the most courageous and honest article I have read. Your continued support is important to me, and please let me know if there’s anything I or the school can do.
skim • Apr 1, 2013 at 12:15 am
such a well written and honest article. the last paragraph was definitely my favorite.
pwiggin • Apr 1, 2013 at 12:11 am
Wow. Anonymous, it takes a lot of courage to write an article like yours. I hope your recovery is going well…you deserve it.
rstone • Mar 31, 2013 at 11:46 pm
Anonymous, thank you so much for writing this article. I second Jake’s comment that it takes a tremendous amount of guts to write about your experiences, but would like to say that your courage throughout all aspects of your eating disorder shows so much strength as well. It’s easy for teenagers to view the danger of dieting and weight loss with an allure, but it’s less easy for us to truly understand the reality. Thank you for putting everything into perspective, and continue to remember your recovery with the pride it deserves.
jschloss • Mar 31, 2013 at 8:45 pm
This is the most incredible article ever featured in The Forum. For someone to go to Mrs. Stevens to help themselves takes a lot of guts, but to write an article to try and help others takes even more. This author is one that all of us can see ourselves in, some of us just need to try harder to. All I know is that I will look at the halls, and more so the cafeteria, of Latin very differently now. Thank you, anonymous, for impacting me and hopefully many others.