Rachel Stone Co-Editor-in-Chief Ignore your teachers. Ignore your parents, ignore your college counselors, and ignore all those who think they can tell you how to prepare for a college representative visit. They don’t know anything, especially not from an extremely qualified student perspective. From my extensive knowledge of all things admissions, here are some tips on how to put your best, college-focused self forward in a college admissions representative meeting:

1. Don’t panic. The representatives in the meeting want to sell the college to you as much as you want desperately to sell yourselves.
2. Start the meeting off right by arriving five minutes late. The subtle tardiness shows the group that you are not tied to such societal constraints as time, and that you’re not a college-stalker. Colleges love when you play hard-to-get, especially when discussing admissions.
3. When you arrive late to the meeting, make sure not to shake anyone’s hand. No one’s. Not even if you’ve met the representative before because he was your father’s old work colleague, and not even if the representative extends their hand pointedly at you. See, handshakes are a trap, meant to signify your acceptance of the traditional representative/student chain of command. Trust me, you don’t want that. When you don’t shake their hand, you’re telling them that you’re a strong individual. If you have to, make excuses for yourself. Say you have a cold and that shaking their hands would spread the mononucleosis, or wear a sweater large enough to stuff your hands inside.
4. Direct your questions to other colleges; it will keep the representatives on their toes, and will ensure that you don’t come off too strong. Does Oberlin have a study abroad program? You might not know. Does it matter if you’re in the University of Michigan representative meeting? Absolutely not.
5. Never be above a pep talk. If you’re feeling intimidated because the classmates in the room all have higher GPAs, or because the representative keeps talking about “E.D” “E.A” and you have no idea what those stand for, it’s completely kosher to tell yourself you are a perfect candidate for that college, no matter what your counselors told you. If the internal monologue is proving ineffective, consider speaking it out loud. Nothing says strength like you repeating: “I am strong” over and over again to yourself in the corner of the room.
6. Ask questions about the name of the college. Don’t ask about the reputation of the college, but focus your questions on the actual name. What exactly does “Harvard” mean? If you don’t know, ask; it will show interest in the school beyond the conventional.
7. Focus your eyes on Ms. Pleshette’s gummy squid for the duration of the meeting, and don’t break your focus even if you’re asking a question.
8. When the representative asks the group if you all have any questions about the university and no one answers, retrieve a harmonica from your skirt pocket and start playing Taps.
9. Every time a representative mentions something good about the college, slap yourself across the face. That way, you’ll hold the attention of the notoriously distracted representatives, and they’ll see you’re being attentive.
10. When there is a lull in the conversation, or when you are not sure of what to respond, say the word “bowl.” The wonderful aspect of the world “bowl” is that the more you say it, the more it begins to sound like another word entirely.
11. Do a rain dance.
12. Break down.
13. Start applying lipstick anywhere on your face.
14. Get on your hands and knees in front of the representative and tell them you will do anything, literally anything to get into that college because your dad and grandpa and his grandpa went there and that one cousin you hate because she didn’t inherit the family jaw line got into that college and you have to show them, you have to show them all and it can only happen if you please please please get into that college.
15. Don’t say anything at all.