Lighten up, Forum Readers

MJ Porzenheim Staff Writer   Happy holidays! It is customary at this time of year to spread good cheer. I disagree wholeheartedly; this is no time for kindness! This is a time to torture people with nauseatingly saccharine clichés. This is a time to make unfunny jokes. This is a time for puns. Without further ado: What did Santa’s wife do? Marry Christmas. What do you call a Christian Hanukkah? A Menorah-ty. What did the woman say to her spouse on a damp Christmas eve? “Looks like rain, dear.” Why did Hanukkah take a break? It was on Shabbatical. What do you wish a Jewish baker? Happy challahdays! What might occur from a holiday forest fire? A crisp moose. How do you find the power to which you need to raise Yule to get ten? Take the Yule log. The salt and pepper wished each other seasons’ greetings. Which Saint went into credit card debt? St. Nickle-less. When you ask a lot of people in Alaska what they think, you conduct a North Pole. What did all mankind get for Hanukkah from a health conscious deity? Peas on earth. If you let the fireplace burn all night on the 24th, will you get a Crisp Cringle? Where does Santa swim? The North Pool. What did the little boy feel after spending all his Hanukkah money in one place? Gelt. If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, would it be a subordinate Claus? What did the train conductor get for Kwanzaa? Platform shoes. How does Moses make tea? He brews it. You gotta get spruced up to sell Christmas trees. That’s all I got. Know more holiday puns? And hey, spread these around. If your incredibly stressed friends don’t find them amusing, you’ll still be amused by their irritation.]]>