Prom: Promenade or Promenada?

Hannah Crane When Jacob Pharoah asked me to write a prom forum article, I couldn’t resist. I couldn’t let my insults go unheard. Here is a list of my opinions on prom (Now I’m in charge of the list, b*&#@): 1. Pre-prom is typically not an event that involves drugs or alcohol. It does, however, involve Alejandro and I trying to wash the STDs off our hands after flailing on the party bus stripper pole. Flirty Girl Fitness here we come! Prom itself is not when girls herd themselves to the bathroom to remove mini bottles of Jack Daniels from their heavily hair sprayed hair. Post prom, as Papa Graf has reiterated in his always-uncomfortable talks, is where, god forbid, a teenager acts like a teenager. Nothing is better than coming home to my mother saying, “I received an email from school about post prom, and I’m wondering what ‘schwasted’ means?” If post-prom is the biggest concern of the Latin School, then why make prom so incredibly unappetizing? The music? The chicken? The tongue of a mysterious Lane Tech-er. Don’t you want us to stay at the Knickerpooper? Didn’t you know that when the clock strikes boring, the cool kids find some other venue? 2. If you know me, you know I like to dance. Crane can’t get her groove on when the DJ, who had an uncanny resemblance of Jessica Simpson’s father, is playing slow rock from 1997. 3. It’s safe to say the highlight of my night was seeing Paul Gilden wearing a pantsuit straight out of South Africa circa Apartheid. Along with this stylish organza ensemble, Gilden rocked a shirt presumably from the Graphic Tees section of Wal-Mart. I was only left wondering: What happened to his fake crocs (that’s the last croc joke I’m making)? 4. Shockingly, I have no complaints about the seating situation. I didn’t sit with a single one of my friends, but I did have the pleasure of sitting two chairs away from an out-of-school boyfriend of a Latin senior. This future marine with the most delicate jaw line I’ve ever seen, left me thoroughly entertained, yelling, “I’m a vegetarian, I can’t eat this [crap]!” and insisting our waiter only brought the white people coffee. He was right about this Knickershnitzel waiter plotting against us. This honorable Knickerginger waiter actually hit Su Kim in the head with a plate and accused us of lying about our orders. How could you hate such wonderfully groomed seventeen year olds? 5. Next year, all the girls should show up in the same dress, same shoes, and have the same hair and makeup. Maybe then I won’t spend half of prom coming up with new and original compliments. On the bright side, if you didn’t look good then I’m sure you had no idea! 6. Am I the only one that noticed prom mostly consisted of sophomores and their sugar daddy seniors? I have nothing against that, but what happened to all the senior girls? Is this going to happen when I’m a senior? Am I going to have to result to awkwardly asking that family friend who still thinks Yugioh Cards are cool because all the guys in my grade are dating 6th Graders? As Meredith would say, “I caaaaaaaaannnnn’tttttt.” I give prom 3/5 BCBG dresses. Prom mostly left me feeling blue, but thank god the ladies showed some school spirit by painting themselves orange. Am I right or am I right? It’s been a journey, Hannah Crane